Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Twilight High
by Trixi Potter
Summary: Following the story of autistic Harry Potter and his girlfriend Hermione as they interact with characters from Lord of the Rings and Twilight


**Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Twilight High**

 **By "Trixi Potter"**

 **Bella's Lunch Period**

Bella Swan walks into the crowded Beverly Hills High lunch hall and picks up a tray. "I've never felt less magical in my life," Bella accidently says aloud to herself, shocking even the unfortunate ginger crew across the cafeteria. But more on that later…

She reaches for an apple, when suddenly a handsome young looker startles her from behind. "You smell so good, so fresh. I've never smelled a girl like you before," he muses in a hushed tone. Principal Gandalf suddenly appears and grabs a chocolate eclair, "Got some period on your pants there, love", he offers helpfully. Bella feels her breakfast start to come up out of her stomach and spew onto the handsome stranger's white shirt. "Charmed, Edward. Vomit is not exactly my favourite fluid. You can call me Eddie".

"How do you spell that?" Bella says faintly.

"Like King Edward potatoes."

"Oh, like E-D-O-W-D…?"

"No, no, no" he interrupts, "It's E-D-D-E-E-E"

"Oh, thanks."

"Just kidding, it's E-D-D-I-E."

Principal Gandalf says, "Goddamn, these chocolate eclairs are good", then casts a spell on himself, disappearing to the principal's office, in Dumblea hall.

"Can I see?" says one of the red-headed boys.

"There's nothing to see here. This is my new girlfriend", Edward shouts mildly.

Bella blushes and tries to hide her toothy smile.

Edward punches the red-headed boy in the stomach with his eyes, after pointing at him by squinting with his eyes and Bella shyly pretends not to notice, but really thinks of getting pregnant.

Ron Weasley, the unfortunate redhead, upset from being punched, sits down at the wooden table next to his friends, Hermione and Harry P. He wonders if Hermione has tits as glistening as his step-sister's after she steps out of the shower. Harry P. can read his ginger mind and shakes his head. One of his special wizard powers is seeing through clothing of women he is not attracted to. Harry shakes his head again. He is very disappointed that Ron got a slice of pizza and a chocolate milk. Harry had not seen that option. Furthermore, he is jealous that Ron doesn't have to watch his figure.

Ron says, "The stupid goth kid punched me in the stomach with his eyes. Will you cast one of your famous spells on him please? Why doesn't he learn how to dress better?"

Harry is furious. Why oh why won't he give him a bite of his pizza or a little sip of his chocolate milk?

Hermione interjects- "Can I have a sip of your drink, Ron?"

How insensitive, Ron thinks to himself. But then she slowly unzips his trousers, slipping her ring finger around his tiny nobule. Ron is not human and therefore does not have a human penis, like the big boys in the Muggles section of Beverly Hills High.

Just then, their good friend, Hogwart sits down and says "Pizza today, eh lads?"

Hermione notices that her number one crush, Eddie has his arm around the new girl, who is wearing a white pair of pants with what looks like red paint on the back and in frustration, catches the ring on Ron's nobule, causing him to shout out while simultaneously forgetting about his pizza.

Harry can't stop looking at the pizza. Hermione wonders how she keeps getting away with giving finger jobs in front of her bespectacled boyfriend, Harold Potter. His mother was a famous potter of plants and his father smokes pot.

Hermione decides to distract both the boys with a would you rather question. "Would you rather start a relationship with an eighteen year old virgin who would like to give her innocence to you or a lesbian, same person but thirty years old and a non-virgin lesbian who decides you are the first man she has ever been attracted to?"

Ron says, "I would pick the thirty year old because her becoming straight for me is a bigger compliment than giving away one's virginity."

Harry pretends to agree while eying up what is left of Ron's pepperoni pizza. The cheese has hardened, Harry notices. Harry clenches his fist.

The lunch bell sounds. Ron zips his pants up so he won't be late for Mr. Voldemort's history class at Beverly Hills High again. Hermione is sorry to lose her ring, but she can't mention that it's gone into Ron's pants in front of Harry.

The three friends fly all the way through the hallways into history class. Frodo and Sam are at the front of the class, as usual. Harry scoffs. Harry has always wanted the coveted front seat in history class. He temporarily forgets about Ron's pizza and imagines casting a first to last magical spell on the hobbits. He rubs his lightning bolt head scar and says "Alakazee Alakazam! Make Frodo Baggins turn into a ham" loudly. "HA HA HA, I've cast a spell on you Frodo- or should I say Ham Baggins?" Frodo is in fact now a juicy pink ham, which Harry must stop himself from taking a bite out of, as he does not wish to be responsible for taking Frodo-Ham to the Beverly Hills Hospital once the spell wears off.

Mr Voldemort enters the BHH classroom and begins to write the alphabet on the chalkboard with magic. The classmates open their textbooks to page 105. No, page 107. Smeeeghal struts into the classroom, late as ever. Harry is fuming. How disrespectful. No wonder Smeeeghal doesn't know his alphabet yet.

Mr V beckons Smeeeghal with his middle finger, since he is evil and starts to berate him in front of the rest of the classmates. Secretly, Mr V is hoping to impress who he sees as the attractive new female student, actually Frodo turned into a ham. "They sure don't make them like they used to", he remarks aloud. Smeeeghal reads his mind but only the picture of the ham, which makes him very hungry for Christmas dinner. Christmas is Smeeeghal's absolute favourite holiday and he used to spend Winters in Spain celebrating Christmas with ham and Mexican pinatas.

The teacher cannot help but become intensely hard looking at the new female student. Schmeegal notices the erection and asks if he can help out with anything. Mr V pulls out his throbbing red wand and thrusts it in the direction of Ham Baggins. He puts his penis into Ham Baggins, creating a bigger hole the deeper he thrusts inside. He removes his penis and thrusts it again. Then he takes the sausage out once again and places it into the heart of the ham. He retracts his big wand again, and inserts it, then reinserts it into the ham. He withdraws his device and in it goes, back into the ham. Then he takes it out and lunges forwards, his penis re-entering the ham. His penis exits the ham and then it enters the ham. Mr V then ejaculates inside the ham. The ham cries out in pleasure through it's magical ham mouth. Through magical thinking, Frodo-Ham has turned into a beautiful and willing, student of Mexican descent- a former virgin but also a former lesbian. She opens her mouth- "I've already cum", says Mr V. "Where's the ring?" the woman asks. Schmiegal jumps up and down excitedly. "I thought I felt it nearby- yes the ring, ha ha ha ha ha. I want the ring. Where the ring is? Ring my me want. Ring ring. Ring a ding a ding ding. Ring a ling a ding dong."

Harry thinks, "What a bother. I just want to learn. Why wouldn't he just give me the rest of his pizza. He knows I don't like to ask."

Just then- the real new female student, Liv Tyler, daughter of Bebe Buell and lead singer of Aerosmith, Steven Tyler waltzes in wearing a bosom enhancing see through veil which barely passes as a shirt. Ron Weasley feels the one ring on his nobule as he begins to touch himself under his desk. He can't help but notice her small nipples are hard as rocks. Harry is quite confused as usually he can only see through the shirts of women he is NOT attracted to. "Still", Harry bleats, "not as attractive as that pizza I could have had if YOU WEREN'T SUCH A SELFISH CUNT". Harry hits the 'ranger in the throat, somehow knocking the nobule one ring across the room, into Liv Tyler's yawning, supple mouth. She doesn't notice, as usual that she has swallowed something. Ham, Sam and Smiighoul all take notice of the glow inside Liv Tyler's esophagus. They now know or rather know now that the ring is inside of Liv Tyler. Much like the Aerosmith song, this is very Crazy.

Outside the Tyler household at night, Frodo, Ham and Gollum have gathered with the intention to remove the ring from Liv Tyler's stomach via an autopsy. Liv Tyler and Bella (who has now changed her pants) are having their first sleepover. Wizards and hobbits are typically allowed sleepovers as young as age four, but Muggles are only allowed their first sleepover at age 18. The two girls are talking about Beverly Hills College and braiding each other's hair. "Can I shave you?" asks Kristin Stewart, "I have a new boyfriend and I want to learn how to do it." Liv shakes her head, "I'm blobbing right now, but you can come over again same time next month." Kristin Stewart says, "I'm blobbing too. Would you like to be period sisters?" "What does that entail?" asks Liv Tyler. Kristen Stewart shouts, "Let me fucking show you!", ripping the tampon from her gentle, vagine- gentle though coarse with hair and squelchy fluid. The two ladies begin to rub their moist, red labia minoras or majoras together, writhing in guilty crimson ecstasy. Robert, having smelled the blood, appears at the window just as the song "Don't Forget About Me" by English 80s synthpop band, Simple Minds plays faintly in the background on Liv's three year old Ipod. Robert is carrying a tattered game of Monopoly under his muscular, teenaged arm. "I just came over to play Monopoly." Robert is pretending to be a good guy right now. He learned a lot of moves from pick up artist YouTube videos.

The girls, now period sisters for life, run naked and screaming through the bedroom window. Harry, who is hiding behind a large bush in Liv Tyler's front yard with Herms and ginger monkey casts a flying spell on the girls so that they will survive the distance between the window and hard ground. Sadly, Liv Tyler crushes Sam to death swiftly under her enormous breasts as she lands. Luckily, this was always Sam's favourite way to imagine dying. All Harry and his crew can think about is getting the ONE RING BACK from Liv Tyler. But how to get her to swallow the laxatives without noticing? Ham and Smiighil still have the crueler method on their minds. Just at the moment when everyone is ready to tackle Liv Tyler, Steven Tyler arrives in his Jag, carrying a Shopper's Drug Mart bag filled with Advil, Pads, Mentos (the freshmaker), a shiny new toaster, a 2 litre of Coca Cola and the receipt. He does not own a Shopper's Optimum card, nor does does he plan on it any time soon. But maybe next month.

Steven Tyler notices Ham crying because her friend Sam has passed away due to his daughter's breasts. He notices the Ham has a sensual air about her and offers her a Mentos as well as his daughter's Maxi Pads. He's lost his mind. He is consumed with lust and notices within seconds that Ham has a slit which could be fucked. Liv Tyler is so angry and jealous of her Dad fucking a ham, not to mention giving away HER PADS. While she screams at her father, enraged, Smeegal yells "I'm not who you think I am. I prefer men to women". "We ALL knew" everyone shouted in unison. Steven, finished with Ham pulls up his pants over his wrinkled cock and points at each one of the teenagers in his yard. "I know exactly what you're planning with those laxatives and surgical tools. A father always knows. You think I didn't get up to the same kind of things in the early days of Aerosmith?" The teens drop their tools, dismayed and fly home. As soon as they are out of sight, Bella reaches through Liv Tyler's stomach with her vampire claws and pulls out the ring...


End file.
